Thursday, June 24, 2004

Anyone for Tennis?

Read this, then this for full story
Football and i met up again tonight. It was definitely a night to remember if not a little weird. Everything started off so well, we were getting on great until things started to get a bit tense. Id noticed this behaviour before about 3 and a half weeks ago and then last Sunday, but i hadnt expected another repeat performance until the beginning of next week as this coincided with the fortnightly cycle. But i knew what was happening and what to expect. Football was in one of those moods.

It all started over nothing, but i could see in footballs eyes that this was going to be no ordinary night. Im still a little perplexed about what happened next, all i can remember is football coming up to me and kicking me squarely in the nads. I tried to reason with football, to find out why football was doing this again. But football said nothing other than to shout 'im off to La Manga, dont try to contact me till August', before running off into the night.

So there we have it, i dont think me and football are together anymore. Its best that we have some time apart i think, these little problems keep occurring and there seems to be nothing you can do about it. At least my bank balance is safe for a while. I hope.

Thats the end of that then. The official end of the football season happened when the sweaty Portuguese goalie put the penalty past David James. That was just after he'd saved Darius Vassells penalty with no gloves, i thought it was only school kids that played in the nets with no gloves. Mind you, the way he picked the ball up after saving Vassells effort and baggsied taking the next penalty before anybody had a chance to made you wonder whether it was his ball and his Dad was the Manager.

I'm immune from all that penalty miss chaff though, as a Mansfield Town fan i've been there, done that. Next tragedy please. Im a team leader at PA (Penalties Anonymous), we specialise in giving advice to fans who's teams have been beaten on penalties. Our clients appreciate empathy from people who have suffered too. To ensure the night wasnt a total loss, i made £7.41 by backing the draw after 90 minutes. All's well that ends well eh? Wonder how long it will be before Darius gets a call from the pizza guys?

There are lots of people in the running for the blame. Someones going to get hammered for this. The Editor of the Sun will be running round trying to get a picture of the Swiss referee Urs Meier, with a target on his head for the cut out and keep centre spread in tomorrows edition. That was until he realised that obtaining a picture of Vassell might be easier. And everyone hates David James anyway so he might as well go for the safe bet. My bet for tomorrows award winning Sun headline would be: 'Goal? Meier Arse!'

What exactly is an offensive term to call the Swiss? Theyve never offended anyone in their lives so no-one has bad names for them. If it was German, French, Italian or any other European country come to think of it then we'd have a field day. I bet Ron Atkinson can come up with a better term than my best effort: blanket folderers. Hardly going to get a Swiss person recoiling in anger is it?

Beckhams got to be in the running too. This would complete a 'miserable circle' for him, or he even could always call it an 'annus horriblus' but theres far to many accidents waiting to happen if he went down that road. He was hated, then hounded, then pitied, then liked, then admired, then respected, then revered, then worshipped. It must be about his time for him to enter the red side of the circle again.

Sven is likely to get a few terse lines in the next couple of days too. He and Nancy will be under the spotlight. He's a bit too cool for me. Being interviewed after the game he could only say 'well, that's football'. It might only be bloody football to you Sven. Crikey, im sat here with a chainsaw in my hand waiting for the neighbours to come home. I wish he'd lose it, just once. I'd love to see him smash the place up in blind rage after having a throw go against him or something.

The BBC are in danger of falling behind in the punditry stakes too, Gary Lineker is ok but if they cant assemble a more literate set of pundits than Joe 'everyones a cheat' Royle, Peter 'i state the obvious' Reid and Ian 'one word is not a sentence' Wright for the biggest England game for years then i can forecast a long period of mid-table obscurity for Mottys boys. It was all Alan Hansen could do to not break into a gleeful, one man rendition of 'The Hills are Alive...' and tour the country with a big band.

On the subject of Motty, i wish he'd calm down a bit. The tone of his voice doesnt reflect whats happening on the pitch. I was having a pee and heard 'and OWEN!!!!'. I fell out of the toilet and rolled down the stairs with my trousers round my knees to see Michael Owen taking a swig of water. I ran in from the kitchen scalding myself with tea when he exalted 'beckham to LAMPARD!!!!!!!!' only to find David Beckham throwing the ball to Frank Lampard so he could take a throw in on his own penalty area. He must be responsible for 50% of the domestic accidents in England over a year.

Maybe now we'll see the plethora of JJB sponsored George Crosses reeled in from the bedroom windows. Did St George ever buy tennis rackets from JJB do you think?. I wonder if people would be so willing to fly the flag if they realised St George was a Turk and never set foot in England. "Im not flying no greasy kebab munchers flag, give us that red, white and blue thing there"

And will the car mounted flags be consigned to the loft in a box that says 'do not open till next public outpouring of patriotism'? I bet it feels like taking the Christmas Decorations down for some. I read some public views on the nations sudden love for St George and whether it said we were too Nationalistic as a country. One woman replied 'of course its not Nationalistic, even the Italians and Indians have got English flags flying from their restaurants in this town, no problem'. I thought: I bet they bloody have, its to at least give their shopfronts a fighting chance against the marauding band of cavemen set to invade the country on the final shrill of a knockout whistle.

Anyway is that the sound of fire-engines i can hear? The local Indian must be on fire.

Wonder when Tim and Greg are playing next...