Thursday, June 24, 2004

The Future's Unpredictable....

Read this first, then this for full perspective
The great Orange saga continues. It may be a saga for you lot having to read about it every other day, but it's also a right pain for me being the lead character in this sham. At least you can turn the channel over or stop reading. Ive run out of petrol in Orangetown and it seems like im the only resident.

I got a call today from Jen at the 'Office of the Directors'. This was more like it. My letter to the top had obviously paid immediate dividends. Jen seemed pretty keen to talk to me judging by the 4 messages in 30 minutes she had left on my voicemail. Curiously, a message from 'Technical Support' dissected Jens messages, no doubt left as a result of being given a verbal rocket by Jen with an added threat of personal violence.

I could tell Jen wasnt a woman to be messed with - i bet she'd done some serious damage to insubordinates in her time. Banging heads together would have been her particular forte and her punishment beatings would have been the stuff of legends. She probably ran Orange HQ with a steely stare and an iron rod, the Directors were almost certainly petrified of her. Every one of them. Jen was obviously quite important too, she even had people to answer her phone for her. No doubt tasked with telling people she wasnt there when they called.

Anyway, the message left by technical support said that my phone had been diagnosed as being faulty and i was to contact them to arrange for it to be picked up. This was an especially clever trick by Orange considering i had spoke to no-one about the specific problems i was having with the phone. It was a move i hadnt expected - they had diagnosed the fault without knowing what problems i was having?. I had obviously mis-judged the level of intelligence i was dealing with.

It was a straight choice of ringing Jen or technical support back, i plumped for power over brawn. Jen cut straight to the chase, there was no messing about with formalities. Her time was obviously precious and her words were very valuable, she didnt intend wasting any of it on plankton like me.

By the end of our initial conversation Jen had arranged for another phone to be sent to me, it had taken her 30 seconds to sort out the problem which had taken the rest of Orange 8 weeks. So as i had an audience with the Head Honcho i thought i'd push my luck a little further. I was in the big boys arena, so why not play?

Jen wasnt committing to my request of having the 7 days approval of the phone with full facilities that an upgrader is entitled to. My argument was that although i upgraded 8 weeks ago the contract was effectively broken by Orange because i was supplied with a faulty phone, the contract should start as soon as i had a fully functioning phone surely? My sensible argument fell on deaf ears. She probably had stopped concentrating on me to berate an employee for breathing, there was no doubt some poor sap under the desk with Jens foot on his neck.

Added to this requst was the fact that i wasnt that impressed with the phone anyway. It looked good when i first saw it but its magic dissipated in front of my very eyes when it didnt work properly. I wanted a different phone.

Jen and i went head to head in a battle of attrition: I wanted another type of phone, she said it wasnt possible, i made my case, she umm'ed and arrr'ed. Feeling immortal i was even filling in the gaps where she should speak.

I then delivered my killer line by telling her that her own Orange people at Technical Support had told me i could have a new phone if the original was diagnosed as faulty. Im sure i heard the sound of bones breaking at the other end of the line. Jen conceded that there might be something she could do if only i would accept delivery of the new phone.

I smelt a trick, a dirty rat. The hand of surrender was being offered just as i was going in for the kill? This was no doubt a bluff. By accepting delivery of the new phone and waving goodbye to the faulty phone i was going to be tied into a fresh contract for a year without 7 days approval wasnt i? Jen was going to tell me nothing could be done once i'd accepted delivery of the new phone wasnt she? By having a faulty phone in my sweaty mitts i held the power to dictate to Orange didnt i?

I asked her to find out the procedure, Jen said she would get back to me....