Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Back in the good books.

Read this first
Football seems to be liking me very much at the moment. We've met up a few times since the incident with the French and although theres been a few tense moments everything seems to be going as well as can be expected. Although the 2 weekly cycle of abuse doesnt come round again till the end of this weekend, so expect nothing in the way of favours from football if we qualify for the semi-finals.

Isnt it typical of the English, the morning after qualifying for the Quarter Finals of the European Championships half the population are convinced we're going to win the bloody thing and the other half wont rest unless Beckham and Owen are dropped. God help all of our sanities if we'd lost 1-0 to the Beckham inspired Croatian free-kick. Glass shards and 'Kill Beckham' headlines from the red tops would have been abound. Then we'd have all gone back in time to 1998 and been none the wiser.

You wouldnt have been able to move for drunken apes covered in the George Crosses throwing market stalls through windows and Indian takeaways being firebombed. The poor Indians, they cant do anything right. Everytime the English suffer some sort of national setback the Indians are the first place the IQ challenged go for. Indian restaurants must have some sort of magnetic attraction for all knuckle draggers, like pretty girls have to the walking dead.

Obviously the biggest tragedy thats going to come from all this is that 'Wayne' is going to become the name of choice in maternity wards up and down this fair land. Overtaking Britney, Brad and Kylie as the name to have. I ask you, the biggest footballer we've had since, err, err...Beckham and his family see fit to name him Wayne.

Whats even worse is that theres a female version of Wayne too: "Waynettaaaaaaaaaah, put that back or i'll bleedin give you summink to cry abaaaht"

Every time we get a footballer worthy of the name, he is built up to be this, that and the other before being knocked back down at the first sign of immortality. Rooney might be a great prospect but lets be honest, he's looked nothing like an international footballer before this tournament. Even Chelsea were worried about wasting money on him, and they bought Veron! Now he's getting compared to Pele and being called our greatest ever footballer. He's scored 3 goals against Switzerland and Croatia! Its about time people who knew better kept a hold on their emotions until the lad is mature enough to know how to handle it.

One of the bizarrest things that happens around football times is that the world goes ever so slightly football mad, and i dont mean mad about football, i just mean mad.

I read this morning about a Radio Station who were ringing round Rooneys in their area to see if they would like to take part in a game of table football live on air against...wait for it: a Portuguese restaurant owner called Mr Figo. Just think about that for a second. How short of material do you have to be to propose that? Never mind follow it up. Never mind get people to do it. Never mind broadcast it. And heaven help the sanity of the people who listen to it longer than it takes to switch it off. What about people who are incapacitated and cant physically switch it over? Can you imagine the creative meeting they had to decide that topic? there would have been bodies everywhere if i'd been in on it.

It seems that the fans in Portugal have missed their nightly updates of Big Brother so much that they attempted to recreate scenes from inside the house - it didnt take much effort to recreate alcohol fuelled idiots fighting a lot in a place of high tension.

And finally, The 'Im not going to look happy, no way' award this week goes to sour faced Alan Hansen. The BBC coverage versus Croatia showed Ian Wright and Peter Reid jumping around to a goal while Alan Hansen sat impassively in his chair determined not to show one iota of emotion, like a sulking child. Heaven forbid that he might be human. Go on Alan, you know you want us to win.