I'm not that kind of guy..

Whilst in Thailand I thought it would be good to learn a bit of the lingo, if only to ask someone where the ping pong shows were. I need not have worried, I was pointed to them often enough without asking.



So I picked up the Lonely Planet Thai phrasebook. Over the holiday it proved to be really useful - if it's only use was to show us how not to say something. We'd end up attempting to ask someone for another beer only to be faced with puzzled faces and a lesson in how it should be said. Serves us right for asking the taxi driver.

I nearly choked on my boiled sausage when browsing it on the plane. There is a section on romance, which reads more like 'how to pick up'. This is the exact sequence of phrases - no word of a lie:

Romance

• Would you like to do something tomorrow? - Blimey fast mover, I only came in for a packet of chewing gum
  
• Yes I'd love to - Oooh, I think we're in
• I'm busy - Knock back, bummer.
• What a babe! - shit, sorry - I just meant to think that, not say it.
• He/She gets around - is that one person or 2? We are in Thailand.
  
• Would you like a drink? - good thinking
• You look like someone I know - don't say....Brad Pitt is it? I get that often. Bob Hoskins? Shit.
  
• You're a fantastic dancer - I wasn't dancing, that's the way I walk
  
• Can I take you home? - *mental note - walk like that more often*
  
• I'm here with my boyfriend/girlfriend - Now you say. I was just practising my dancing walking. You didn't say if that was just the one person or not.
  
• Excuse me, I have to go - Isn't that always the case?
• I'd rather not - Rather not what? Go? Oh sorry, I didn't realise my hand was there.
• No thank you - time to give up with the suggestions now.
• Leave me alone - Ok, Ok, I get the idea.
• Piss off - look I dont want any trouble, you invited me here.
• I like you very much - Make your mind up.
• Can I kiss you? - blimey, must be this fake aftershave. Is your boy/girlfriend watching? There are so many that it could be.
  
• Do you want to come inside for a while? - Let me finish my drink...oh we're not in the pub anymore. How did that happen? Two minutes ago I was dancing, where have all those people gone? I think I'm hallucinating.
• Do you want a massage? - well, if you're offering.
• Do you have a condom? - what type of massage is this?
• Let's use a condom - are you going to be expecting some sort of payment for this?
• I wont do it without protection - I think I need some protection, you're a mental.
• I want to make love to you - I think that's abundantly clear
• Kiss me - crikey
• I want you - crikey
• Let's go to bed - crikey
• Touch me here - Look, I know what to do.
  
• Do you like this? - Depends what it is - is it sharp? Will it hurt? Owwww..
• I dont like that - You just told me to touch you there. Make your mind up.
• I like that - I'm not doing anything different
  
• I think we should stop now - Already? Aww....
• Oh yeah - Oh yeah for you, what about me?
• Oh my God - Oh, don't need me now?
• That's great - I bet it is but what about me?
• Easy tiger - easy yourself, you started it.
• Faster - Who? Me?
• Harder - Can you keep the noise down?
• Slower - I'm just going to shut this door.
• It's my first time - yeah righto
• It helps to have a sense of humour - what are you saying?
• Dont worry, I'll do it myself - I thought you just had.
  
• That was amazing - For you maybe
• Can I call you? - I'm not sure I'm into freaks
• I love you - I'm sort of getting a few mixed messages from you now.
• You're great - Well, it has been said before
• I think we're good together - I think you're a bit weird.
• Will you marry me - *spits coffee out*
• Are you seeing someone else? - easy with all the questions, I only met you 2 pages ago
• He/she is just a friend - how long's he been there? Was he watching? It is a 'he' isn't it? You said the he-she was your boy-girlfriend.
  
• You're just using me for sex - Well I wouldn't be getting much use would I?
• I never want to see you again - Fine by me.
• I don't think it's working out - I know what you mean, do you have the number of a taxi firm?
• We'll work it out - about that taxi..
• I have to leave tomorrow - Can't say I'm too sorry about that.
• I'll keep in touch - Sod that, weirdo.

Sounds like a night in with Girl.

I'm in trouble now.