Thursday, August 12, 2004

Mad Dogs and Englishmen

Its been bucketing it down in these parts for the last few days. The animals are beginning to pair up at the bus stop at the bottom of the street awaiting Noah's arrival. Although I'd guess that Noah has upgraded from an ark by now though, Arks are so BC.

He'd probably currently be driving a liner or something, with luxury compartments for each pair. All inclusive, fresh hay and stuff, room service, medical blocks and a gym. A mixture of private and publicly funded no doubt with: 'Noahs Ark - sponsored by Tesco' emblazoned along the side.

How did the animals decide which pair would go on the original ark? Did they draw lots? How did they know the pairs weren't related? Could they be sure that Noah wasn't a double agent working for the Japanese food industry? Would it be a waste of space if fish went? If he had his time again would he have taken a couple more Pandas now instead of the wasps.

So many questions, so few answers. We should be told.

Why animals anyway and not humans? It's ok filling a ship full of animals at the first sign of a drop of rain but what about the humans? I blame the animal lovers, I bet the RSPCA had a hand in it. Saving animals doesnt seem such a magnanimous idea when youre sat on the shore waving goodbye as the waters rise around you.

Although the rain makes a pleasant change from the heat of the weekend, it hasnt cleared the air, it's still very humid. Sleeping is uncomfortable, dreams turn into heat fuelled nightmares. There's just no happy medium. God its warm.

Do people talk louder in the heat? My bedroom windows are open all night to get some air and I swear people on the street outside now shout.

Heat does strange things to people. If it was a similar heat on holiday, then the only plan would be to shuffle down to the poolside with a towel over the shoulder for a day of taking it easy under a parasol, sipping on a cool drink and maybe a roll around in the pool every now and again.

Yet here, as soon as the temperature touches 90F people can't wait to get out in it and run around. As soon as its established the day is going to be a hot one then an outing is hurriedly planned:

"it is sunny therefore we must go outside in the full glare of the sun in the hottest part of the day, get burnt and then wish we hadnt"

Cars are filled and shopping centres and retail parks are crammed to capacity. Why are shopping centres the first things we head for in the heat?
"Its hot, it's hot. To the shops. Quickly."
Subsequently the roads are thronged with people getting hotter and angrier. The best weather forecasters seem to be the road workmen, as soon as the temperature gets a bit high then I always seem to be stuck in roadworks that weren't there before.

After the heat the next few days are spent in bed with a headache or suffering ridicule at work for having a face like a beetroot. Why on earth do we do it?

No wonder the Europeans think we're bonkers.

The phrase: 'mad dogs and Englishmen' has never been so apt.