Monday, July 10, 2006

For Sale: One overused mind

I've had a pretty poor year and a bit really, lots of things have conspired to meet up at a particular time and place and kick me up the arse. It started probably about 18 months ago when I decided to leave a job which I hated and meant me driving at least 4 hours a day for the priviledge of attending. I thought I was being proactive at the time, even a bit dangerous, the Watski of old would never have given up a comfortable life in favour of uncertainty. The problem was that I took about 3 months off and became very lazy in the process - my day consisted of nothing, other than titting about on the internet and taking for granted my then girlfriend, CJ.

This came to head precisely a year ago (yesterday) when CJ and I decided to split up. I guess I alluded to this as much on here. To be honest, it killed me. And made me realise that a relationship I never put much effort into actually meant a lot more to me than I thought it did. The following months were filled with a lot of heartbreak, we saw each other occasionally and actually got on better than we had done in the final few months - which made the final cutoff seperation far, far harder to deal with. I play games with my mind, but it always beats me in the end.

It still kills me to this day, probably more with each passing day. CJ was pretty perfect really, beautiful, clever, funny, cute - we had lots in common, but like many people there were bits about each other that we didn't like. The worst part about it is that I was the master of my own downfall in that if I had appreciated and worked on what I had at the time more, then I probably wouldn't be nearly as unhappy as I am at this moment. But my unhappiness now can only be a small part of how unhappy I must have made CJ. If I'd have paid her and our relationship more attention then there is every chance that now we would have been planning the rest of our lives together. It's the knowing that it was all in my hands that is the hardest thing.

We haven't seen or spoken to each other in 10 months, our paths would never cross anyway but I would go as far as saying that CJ is and will remain the biggest regret I will possibly ever have in my life. It's still very difficult to believe that you will never speak again to a person you spent just about every minute with for 2 and half years, for maybe the rest of your life.

Today, I'm not much further on really - I'm probably even further back. The only positive thing is that I'm in a new job, which is ok. I cant seem to give it the effort it deserves though because I'm not at peace with my mind. I wish I could wake up just for one morning and not be brought back to earth with a list of worries and things that aren't right about my life.

I want to wake up happy and looking forward to the day ahead. I only look back, on how things have turned out, looking forward occasionally with fear of how long the day is and how I'm going to get through it on my own, before realising that there are going to be another 6 days just like it. My mind is full of what ifs and regret at missed opportunities. I'm becoming a bad person, I used to put other people first, now I'm just striking out for myself and alienating people left, right and centre. I met a few people and discarded them pretty much straight away, mainly because they weren't CJ, or they were just the right person at the wrong time. And now I'm just in the company of people who are plainly no good for me. I'm a slave to my mind, it continually reminds me how bad things are, tricks me into thinking that the person who is no good for me is actually very good for me - and gets me wondering why they haven't rung in a while.

I sort of gave up writing this blog, mainly as a way of helping me forget, to drawing a line under a bad part of my life and trying to move on. Unfortunately I hadn't. I guess, on the outside people see me as fun and able to cope. Little do they know.

Maybe more tomorrow.