Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Balls of steel

I thought i'd seen the best first line in newspaper history when my attention was drawn to this article in a Herfordshire newspaper the other week, it would take a lot to better this:

A HERTFORD heroin addict killed a 38-year-old father with a DESSERT SPOON after stealing a mobile phone from a one-legged man, a jury heard this week.

Just how good is that? Made up? Who knows. I didnt bother reading the rest as it would have only been a disappointment. I dont want to know the details, that paragraph is quite enough thanks very much. Although i did find a possible equal today:

A South Yorkshire man who shot himself in the testicles with a shotgun has been jailed for five years.

The man involved surely wishes now that he'd decided to stay in and clean the oven instead of:

"... going home to get the shotgun after arguing in the pub with lifelong friend Stuart Simpson about whose turn it was to buy a beer."

Come on!  There are simpler ways of settling arguments than shooting yourself in the bits.  At least shoot the other guy first.  What was his thought process?:  'I'll show you'.   You're not showing anyone.
Expensive round eh? Five years for shooting yourself in the nads? Crikey, hasnt the poor man had quite enough pain in one lifetime without having his sentence doubled at the request of Her Majesty? Talk about kicking a man when he's down.

He's fallen out of the 'unlucky tree' and hit every branch on the way down. Have mercy on the poor man. I bet the courtroom was full of men with tears in their eyes or pained expressions. Not one of those men in the jury would have found him guilty. No-one should be made to listen to that.

I'm only glad that it was an accident and that he didnt do it on purpose.

"After the shotgun had discharged he placed it in a rubbish bin and crawled back to his home address."

Placed what in a rubbish bin?  The gun or the remains of his bits?  Either way good on him for having the presence of mind to keep Britain tidy whilst in the most severe pain he will ever be in. That deserves a more lenient sentence doesnt it? Was the bin on his route home or did he go out of his way to find it?

Poor sod. How entertaining it is to laugh at others misfortune, however painful.