Wednesday, July 07, 2004


Why are Cats so clingy? I dont mean clingy as in you can throw them against a wall and they will stick, not that i do know whether they would stick of course. They might well do, but i'd guess they wouldnt - i reckon you'd need a fair amount of glue to make it stick to a wall good and proper, and then a good run up. Err. You havent got the idea from here though if you do decide to test out the theory.

I mean that if you show a cat the slightest bit of attention then you're suddenly their human, the clinging starts. And thats the type of cling i mean. To a cat there must be 2 types of humans, humans that are ok and humans you must run from. Any 'ok' human is then up for grabs in the cat world.

I will now introduce my long suffering girlfriend (to be referred to as CJ) into my blog. She features heavily in this story so it would be rude to deny her her moment in the spotlight. CJ lives in a feline metropolis; both next door neighbours have 3 cats between them, people opposite have cats, people down the road have them too. All shapes, sizes, colours and species. Its so cat prolific that you have to slow the car to a crawl when driving down the road for fear of Tiddles martyring herself on the undercarriage. Well you dont have to slow down but i would guess playing cat-chicken could get you in serious trouble with the authorities.

I was putting some rubbish in the bin a few weeks a go whilst at CJ's house, when i noticed a cat at the bottom of the garden. I was bored and it was giving me the 'i am cute' look, so i gave it some of the chicken i was throwing away, then patted it gently on the head before returning up the path to the house congratulating myself on being a fine upstanding member of the community as i walked.

A little while later i went to put some washing out. A new man Watski is you know: washing, rubbish putting out, tidying, nice to cats, available for barmitzvas, etc. As i opened the door I tripped over chicken cat who was now camped out on the back door step. Not content with tripping me up the once, chicken cat tripped me up a few more times as it accompanied me in putting the washing out. Once this difficult task was completed I tried to go back to the house, but chicken cat was coming with me. Every turn, twist and fast movement i made chicken cat was within an inch of my foot.

There was no alternative, i didnt want to have to make a fool of the cat but i had no choice. I did the old 'pretend to throw something one way while going the other way' trick, then legged it into the house. That did it. Stupid cat. Not as clever as old Watski are you? In football parlance the cat had been 'old manned'.

Chicken cat then stalked the house for the next hour or so, every time i looked out of one of the windows it was there staring at me. It seemed to know where i was. I then rang CJ up and told her about my stalker, i whispered so the cat couldnt hear me, but i could tell CJ thought i was making little stories up in my head again. 'Aah, i like Cats'.

After returning to my own house I spoke to CJ a little later on that evening, she had apparently been having her own problems with chicken cat following her around, stalking the house, tripping her over, etc. And it was my fault for encouraging it. She had also re-christened chicken cat as 'mutant cat', for it had very weird paws, dodgy fur and horrible eyes. 'Oh i see' was my flippant response, not 'aaah, i like cats' anymore?. 'No, i dont like it'.

It took us about 4 weeks of continually ignoring mutant cats advances before we could go into the garden fairly confident of not being mugged. We compromised with mutant cat, had to get mediators in. We now allow mutant cat to sleep under the bush at the bottom of the garden on the proviso that it doesnt bother us anymore. It seems to be going well up to now.

Not having learnt our lesson, i went round to CJ's 2 nights ago and was surprised to see the side door wide open, I peered in. The cold turkey had failed, CJ had regressed; there was another cat in the house. Not just in the house, this cat was being fed beef and milk by CJ. It had its paws under the table. The cats around the area must treat us as the idiots we are: "im bored and hungry, think i'll nip round to No.18 and give them the sad eyes"

Im not sure who was doing the more purring: CJ or the cat. This was an altogether nicer cat apparently, no hint of any mutations. The cat was given the run of the house before it meandered off. Full and bored probably. Apparently the new cat is a neighbours cat, he's away in the week so the cat has no company other than a cat flap, dry food and an empty house. CJ made the 'aaah' noises again.

New cat was back again last night, only this time it stayed longer. It was fed, then it watched tv on my lap. It was then bedtime and therefore time for new cat to say its goodbyes. It didnt want to. It acted like a small child at bedtime: avoiding eye contact, wanting drinks, running off, etc. I felt like smacking it, but then i remembered yesterdays post and thought about deleting it. New cat was then forcibly put out for the night.

This morning i awoke to the cats chorus outside the house, in the position formerly occupied by the cat formerly known as chicken cat was new cat, having a good crack at breaking the cat world record for consecutive meows without taking breath. It wanted to be fed, or let in, or both, or something more. It wasnt having anything, but it wasnt taking no for an answer.

It didnt seem to understand me when i mouthed 'go away' from the bedroom window, and it didnt get the hint when i didnt open the kitchen door to it whilst in the kitchen. It pawed at the door to be let in but i ignored it. It still hadnt got the hint 2 hours later when i slipped away from the house. But its meow was getting croaky.

Its probably still there now...