Wednesday, December 22, 2004

What's up with my woggler?

"Is my dangly bit bigger than it usually is?" I asked CJ at 8am on Sunday morning after it had woken me up for what seemed like the fourteenth time. If I was being woken up by it then CJ was going to be woken up by me being woken up by it. I'd made enough accidental on purpose noise and she hadn't stirred - but the old elbow in the back trick had the desired effect.

"Let's have a look then.." She submitted as I stretched, pretending that I had just woken up myself. "..I can't see - get nearer the light"

I moved into the light made by the gap in the curtains.

"Ooooh" She inhaled as she raised her hands to her face and recoiled in horror.

I was guessing it wasn't good news.

"It is very swollen"

"K! K!" CJ shouted as she heard her friend, whose house we were staying at, go along the landing to the toilet. "Come and have a look at this"

Ordinarily I wouldn't have been too bothered about my girlfriend calling her best friend into the bedroom to look at my swollen dangly bit. In some cases I might even encourage it. But the problem was that it wasn't THAT dangly bit that was swollen - it was the dangly bit at the back of my mouth which had seemed to come to the conclusion that it was fed up of being the forgotten organ of the mouth and that if no-one could be bothered to at least know what it's name was then it was going to start making life uncomfortable for people, i.e, me.

"Oooooh" K inhaled as she raised her hands to her face and recoiled in horror. Then she looked at CJ and giggled, then they both laughed, then asked to look at it again, then giggled, then laughed, then asked to look at it again. You get the idea of the shenanigans of the next 10 minutes.

I'd been woken throughout the night by my throat hurting, it felt as though I had something stuck in the back of it. I'd tried to get back to sleep after attributing it to the fact that I'd had a heavy night and had partaken in a few social cigarillos. Each time I had woken up within an hour, coughing.

"Stop laughing at me. What do I do? What if it gets bigger and stops me breathing?" I shouted, as though chewing a gobstopper.

I looked in the mirror and my 'woggler', as it had now been christened was indeed a fair size. It was almost covering the hole in my throat where the food goes down. I don't know the holes name either, maybe that will stop working soon too.

"Oh dear, what a pity, never mind" CJ said.